Ari Gold Quotes

Ari: Someone find out why we’re not selling the NFL rights.
Agent: They do it internally.
Ari: Well they shouldn’t so somebody get me a meeting.

Ari: This is now the biggest agency in the world. And I’m the head of it. Which makes me the biggest agent in the world. Now, can anyone tell me why I chose to be the biggest agent in the world? It’s so I can stop being a fucking agent. So don’t tell me to show the love, that’s what I pay you people for.

Ok people – just a few more days to the season 7 premiere! June 27 at 10:30pm.

Ari (shouting trough the corridors of Terrence’s offices): Now Lloyd, maybe you’re not here, maybe you are. Either way, you have nothing to fear because I’m not gonna kill you. I love you. You see even though you betrayed me you are the best slave that I ever had. I mean, who could possibly replace the way that you picked up my dry cleaning? No one. Who could better the way you picked up my dog’s shit?
And if I liked short fat men sucking on my dick I’m sure that no one could do it better than you either. So, return to the king or exile yourself from this town forever. You have until the end of the day tomorrow to agree to be rebranded MINE!

Ari: Jesse, how have you been?
Jesss: I’ve been…
Ari (shoots him with a paintball gun): Great! I’m back, and you’re fired.

Ari: I always dreamed about ruling the world, but now that I’m getting older I’ll settle for Hollywood.

Terrence: Unlike you, I have a soft heart.
Ari: Haha. Soft like a diamond.

Ari (spotting Adam Davies and Lloyd at Terrence’s office): You two make a cute couple!

Therapist: Is it possible that these people are the reason you wanna buy this agency? (…)
Ari: OK, Yes! If I could gouge out Terrence McQuewick’s eyeballs, and eat them for what he did to me, I would. And I would sell that Benedict Arnold Adam Davies in a white slavery if we lived in a place that had a market for it. And LLOYD, that little queen, who I welcomed into my home and allowed to play with my children and care for my dog and who left me for those two scumbags… I would tie him up and allow the entire screen actors guild to anally rape him if not for the fact that I know he would enjoy it. I hate ‘m all. And yes, I want to see them destroyed.

Ari (fires another assistant): Back to the Iowa farmhouse that breastfed you till fifteen.