Ari Gold Quotes

(Somebody broke into Vince’s house and stole his underwear)
Ari: You’re gonna let [Turtle] be the first line of defense against some boxer stealing serial killer?
Vince: She could be a hot fan…
Ari: More likely, HE’s a creepy little pale obsessive freak. Speaking of which, where is E? He got an alibi?

Ari: Andrew! There was a time when Marlo made you smile. Remember that time, remind her of it. And if that doesn’t work, do what every other married man does: think of someone else, when you fuck her.

Ari (to Andrew): One in very few guys get that ‘have a free piece of pussy pass’. You my friend, have it.

Ari (to Lizzy): You so much as eyefuck an agent in this building, and I will deport you naked to the Taliban.

Ari: Maybe we could have office phone sex baby. Haven’t done that since the early 90′s.
Mrs. Ari: You have glass doors.
Ari: Yeah, but it would be Lloyd’s year-end bonus. He’d rather have that than cash, trust me.

Ari (to Vince): I have him caddying today. Building his self esteem. (To Lloyd): Go stand in the corner.

Sloan: I have your pairings here, I hope you’re not bummed. It was difficult. I placed Vincent and Johnny together.
Drama: Why wouldn’t you!?
Sloan: With Tom Brady and Mark Wahlberg…
Ari: Jee, who’s the ugliest person on that foursome? Think fast.

Ari: Keep your eyes on Andrew Kline.
Lloyd: Keep my eyes on him how?
Ari: Pretend he’s Zac Efron’s Ballsack.

Ari (calling E in the middle of the night): I’m still tingling from the weekend.
E’s girl: Who is it?
E: It’s Ari. It’s OK, go back to sleep.
Ari: Wow, you payed for that or is there actually someone that would bang you for free?

(Vince’s new movie is pushed 12 weeks)
E: What are we supposed to do for 12 weeks?
Ari: Enjoy life, what else. And snap some below the belt photos of that partner of yours and send them over here. I am bored…
E: You wish! Later.
Ari: Later.
Mrs. Ari (still half asleep): You’re bored?
Ari: It was a joke baby, you know I’m never bored here. Now give me something.
Mrs. Ari: What time is it?
Ari: I don’t know. My cock doesn’t wear a watch…