Ari Gold Quotes

Vince: Lloyd is the head of the TV department?
Ari: The interim head of the TV department. Until he fucks up – then he’s back to pushing the mail cart.

Ari (to Dana Gordon): I wanted someone mature and smart to talk to, and Warren Buffett wouldn’t take my call.

Ari (to Vince): You are the good kind of addict. You are the ‘I messed up with the wrong kinda girl and ended up on the blow bender addict’.

Ari: I mean this sincerely Vince – I would hack of my penis before I would ever allow you to work with Carl Ertz again.

Ari: You’re dating a cook?
Mrs. Ari: He’s a chef, Ari. And he’s a business man. And he’s kind, and respectful, and generous.
Ari: He’s a red headed fire-crotch – he’s a genetic mistake.

Lloyd (to Mrs. Ari): You are like the perfect couple. Like Lady Di and Charles.
Ari: Lady Di and Charles got divorced and then she died, now shut the fuck up.

Ari: I want you to call over to the Mad Men offices, and I want everyone from Matt Weiner to the PAs to treat that waiter like shit, humiliate him and send him packing.
Lloyd: I don’t know if I can do that…
Ari: If I see that kid on the Mad Men set, I’m gonna be Mad fucking Man, alright? If I see him anywhere, even as a zombie in the Walking Dead, I’m gonna shoot someone in the head. Get it done!

Ari (to Lloyd): Speak, or I’ll cut your tongue out and feed it to my son’s lizard.

Lloyd: I had my breakfast meeting with Steven Levitan this morning.
Ari: Congrats, you’re gonna be the new gay on Modern Family?

Ari: Oh, [Vince] didn’t call you, E? Are you sure you wanna be here? We don’t want him to mistake your pale round face for a crack rock.