Ari Gold Quotes

Sarah: Daddy ate a breathmint!
Mrs. Gold: What?
Ari: Now you have to atone for ratting daddy out baby. (to Mrs. Gold): What, you think God wants my breath to smell?

(Sarah discovers Ari talking business behind the temple)
Sarah: Mom told me to go find you.
Ari: You did! I’m in the bathroom, I’m not feeling well. I’m on my hands and knees, I’m getting very sick right now, honey.
Sarah: You want me to lie?
Ari: That is the beauty of Yom Kippur. As long as you apologize by sundown it doesn’t matter what you do.

(Ari and Nicky don’t have a car)
Nicky: Call a cab?
Ari: Got any money?
Nicky: No, Ma took it. You?
Ari: Wife took everything but my fillings.
Nicky: So what now?
Ari: Now, like our desert-dwelling ancestors, we walk.

Ari: Let’s call E, put the fear of God into a little Irishman. He’s more of a neurotic jew than you are.

(Vince and E. come to Ari’s house)
Ari: Ah, will you look at this ah? The boys of Queens are in the market for some brisket!

Ari: Would you look at this.
Lloyd: This is so exciting, it is like when the Warriors got back together at the end of the movie.
Ari: Don’t tell me you wack off to the Warriors. (Turning to the boys): There they are. A movie star and a TV star, all in one family. Who would have thunk it?

(Drama is afraid his show doesn’t get picked up)
Ari: Drama, it’s NBC, they gave Joey 46 episodes… they don’t cancel shit. Trust me!

Ari (on Medellin): Let’s just talk reasonably, OK? Sometimes, things aren’t just meant to be. Sometimes, no matter how bad you want something, you gotta let it go. Senior year, all right, I was obsessed with Katie Sherman, the most insane tits.. Anyway, the moment I found out she gave half the football team crabs, it was done. Never thought about it again.
E: You’re saying Medillon has crabs, Ari?
Ari: Medellin has crabs, gonorrhea, syfillus, it is an untreatable super germ.

Ari: Joe, what are you doing to me?
Joe: I’m not doing anything Ari, I’m just doing good business.
Ari: That’s weird because it feels like you’re taking a steel catheter and shoving it right up my cock.

(Ari wants Vince to do Metahorn)
Vince: We were never into it.
Ari: That’s the thing.. the script has been changed more times than Andy Dick’s vibrator.