Ari Gold Quotes

(Mrs. Ari suggests that Ari is afraid of Terrence)
Ari: I’ll beat that old fuck and throw him in the pool.
(To his kids:) Only Daddy speaks that way!

Ari: We are gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe and we’re gonna head-butt some goddamn kangaroos.

(Ari mistakes a mail boy for an assistant)
Ari: Well, what is it you’re supposed to know, do you think? What the fuck do we pay you for? To get your agency card laminated so you can go to Shelter and try to fuck Mischa Barton?
Mail boy: I didn’t… I didn’t think…
Ari: Let me tell you something. You don’t have to say anything, you know why? Cause you pick up all your stuff, because you’re mother-fucking fired!

Ari Gold (after his Viagra has kicked in, to his angry wife): I’m ready to go here, all right? It’s like R. Kelly at recess. Honey, honey, what are you doing? Are you kidding me? Baby!

E: Tom Cruise is going to play Pablo Escobar? C’mon, the guy’s not even Hispanic.
Ari: Yeah, and Hilary Swank has a vagina, but she won an Oscar pretending she has a dick. That’s what actors do. They pretend.
E: All right, I got it. So what if Cruise passes?
Ari: Then they go to Brad Pitt. He passes, they go to Keanu Reeves, and on down the list.
E: Where is Vince on that list?
Ari: He ain’t on the list.
E: Well, how do we get him on the list?
Ari Gold: You do “Aquaman,” you stupid fuck!

Ari: The next one after “Queens Boulevard” is a studio picture: I’m talking franchise, baby. We’ll get you the lunchbox. And an action figure with a monster cock.
Vince: It’s definitely tempting.
Ari: I love you!

(Ari is about to leave his kid’s birthday party for business)
Mrs. Ari: Where are you going?
Ari: They flew in the liver, and I gotta do the transplant. Where do you think I’m going?

Ari: From now on ask my permission before you bang one of my assistants.
Eric: How’d you know that?
Ari: ‘Cause I know all. And I could have told you that this would end badly. Now I gotta to fire her so you don’t feel weird.
Eric: No. Don’t fire her.
Ari: All right. Well, I’ll just sexually harass her until she quits.

(talking about Josh Weinstein)
Ari: I fired him for stealing pens. Why do I care about Josh?
Emily: Well, now he’s an agent at Triad. And he’s the one who gave the boys Queens Boulevard.
Ari Gold: That’s why no more guys! You fire a guy you create a rival. You fire a woman you create a housewife.

Ari (doesn’t want Vince to do Queens Blvd): You know what they feed people on an indie set, Vinne? Nothing! They don’t give you a trailer. They tell you to go sit on an apple box. Ever try to bang an extra on an apple box?