Ari Gold Quotes

E: We know what we wanna do next.
Ari: What? The fucking Belt Parkway?

E: What? You fired Emily?
Ari: I had to E. To make sure you wouldn’t fuck another one of my assistants. You’re not gonna try to fuck Lloyd are you?

E: I’m impressed Ari, a totally selfless meal.
Ari: Yeah, well, you’re paying, ’cause you’ve got the job.

Ari: Vince is the only client I’ve ever had that I considered a friend, all right? The only one I really cared about. I mean, Jessica Biel too, but I cared about her (opening his chop sticks) for very different reasons.

Lloyd: Where to?
Ari: Malibu. Pronto Tonto!

Ari: Say goodbye to that Masarati, E. I see a shiny new Vespa in your future. (walking towards Lloyd’s stunt car)
E: Yeah, good luck in the Indie 500.
Lloyd: Morning, E!
E: Morning Lloyd.
Ari: Don’t say good morning to him!

Ari: You even know how fucked you are? I mean, you are so fucking fucked. I mean, I think you are the most fucked person I know. (hears the bleeping sound of a car). Shit, here comes the wife. Just pretend like it’s all good.
E: You didn’t tell your wife?
Ari: No. When the time’s right, yeah.
E: When the time is right, It’s on the cover of Variety!
Ari: She doesn’t read Variety, she reads InStyle.

Ari: What, you wanna quit too?
E: Actually, I think I might, yeah.
Ari: E! The garbage man who wins the lottery does not throw out the ticket!

Lloyd (trough the intercom): It’s Lloyd, looking for Mr. Gold’s car.
Ernesto: Sorry Lloyd, it’s a company car. Mr. McQuewick said I can’t give it to him.
Ari (furious): Can’t give it to me? Ernesto! How many fucking pesos did I give you for Christmas? Huh Ernesto? Every Christmas for the past decade! Half of Mexico is eating on my chip that I’ve given you. Now bring my motherfucking car now! Por Favor!
Ernesto: Sorry, Mr. Gold. Oh, and Mr. Gold? I’m from Guatemala and our currency is the Quetzal.

Ari: When I go, in no time, you will be repping nobodies, like Bill from the Apprentice. No one needs to make a decision right now. I will be starting my own agency. Two very important goals will apply. To make everyone, who is one, from the ground floor, rich! And to burn this motherfucking place to the ground.
Lloyd, are you with me? (Lloyd freezes and doesn’t say a thing).
Ari: Lloyd, what are you doing. You and me, we have a special bond. Come on, let’s go.
Lloyd: Ari, swear to me that you will never again say anything offensive to me about my race or my sexual orientation.
Ari: I can’t swear to that, but I promise I will always apologize after.

Ari: I just wanna have a private dinner with you and Vince as soon as possible.
E: Do discuss what? You’re freaking me out!
Ari: There’s no need to freak out. It’s all good, believe me. Just think of it as a State of the Union address for all my A-listers.

Ari: Lloyd, I want you to pledge your undying loyalty to me.
Lloyd: Ari…
Ari: Listen, Lloyd. Do you wanna make it or do you wanna fold shirts at a Chinese laundry? Now pledge!

Ari: This envelope contains the names of eight agents. Anyone catches you, you eat it. Comprende? Nod if you understand what I’m saying.
Lloyd: I understand.
Ari: You can’t just fucking nod?

Terence: I’ve always been fair with you.
Ari: You were being fair with me when you said you were leaving. You coming back now, is not fair.

Terence: I’m coming back, full time.
Ari: Mohamed Ali came back once too often too, Terence.

Ari: You emberassed me in front of my troops.
Terence: Rules are rules. (Softer) I apologize.
Ari: I appreciate that.
Terence: Now come up.
Ari: You come down.
Terence: Conference room. Neutral territory. 1:15?
Ari: Done

Terence: Ah, Ari! Good of you to join us. When did the rules change though?
Ari: I’m… not sure what rules you are refering to but I’m sure there have been some slight adjustments in the three years since you last attended a staff meeting.

Lloyd: They started without you.
Ari: Haha, very funny!
Lloyd: Mr. McQuewick is in there.
Ari: What is it? April Fools?

E: Sounds like a great idea Ari. You should meet us in Napa.
Ari: What’s in Nappa? You’re crushing grapes at Coppola?

Terrance: How are things Ari?
Ari: Couldn’t be better Terrence, although it’s 6.30, usually you’re outta here by noon so that’s a little odd, no?

Ari (on his phone): Well did it ever occur to you that a seven o’clock dinner in Santa fucking Monica is too early? .. I’m sorry baby, I had a bad day, I will be there, I would not leave you alone with my mother I know what could happen. Love and kisses, love and kisses.

Ari (entering his office): Oh-oh, you boy look angry. If there was plastic on the floor I’d think I was about to get whacked.

Barbara: Eric, we both know Vince has fucked half the actrices in this town. Mandy on the other hand, is a good girl.
E: You seriously gonna sit here and let ‘m bad mouth Vince like this?
Ari: I thought that was a compliment.

Barbara: So Ari, who’s gonna be running this shindig? You or me?
Ari: You’ve got the biggest cock in the room Babs, why don’t you kick it off?

Ari (before entering the “War Room”): Little memory trick; when they introduce themselves, use association, like when you say Eric Murphey, and I think you know, “Loser”.
E: Ah, like Ari Gold, douchebag?

Ari: We’re going to hell, so bring your sunblock.

Ari (calling E.): Hey, idiot.
E: Hey, what’s up asshole? Listen, I know about the US Weekly pictures, I’m not worried.
Ari: What does worry you Eric? You’re just so fucking calm and poised, makes me wanna smack ya.

Ari: What d’you got Babs?
Barbara: I got a giant fucking migraine, that’s what I got.
Ari: I give you one of my famous shoulder massages, you remember those from the old days?
Barbara: I do Ari. I also remember you threatened to sue me for sexual harassment right before I fired you!
Ari (chuckles): We settled out of court?
Barbara: Enough with the flirting, Ari.

Vince (getting an expensive painting): We must be moving up!
Ari: Like the god damn Jeffersons!

Ari: Lloyd! You were a art history major at Sarah Lawrence College right?
Lloyd (grinning): Yes, I was!
Ari: Then you know how to pull this [painting] off the wall?

Mrs. Ari: You are being ridiculous.
Ari: I’m being.. That’s exactly what you said at the Bill and Ted premiere, when Terrence said; I’ll take Keanu, you take the other guy.

Ari: Tonight we eat like kings, 500 a head.
Turtle (looking relieved): I’m starving!
Ari: Smoke more weed Turtle, seriously, smoke more weed.

Ari: You look great too, E. What’d ya do? Raid the boys department at Macy’s?

Terrence: Hey, I’m looking forward to my sitdown with our boy. (walks away)
Ari (smiling, then turning to Mrs. Ari): Sitdown! That schnitzel loving fuck is trying to steal Vince.

(Sarah is singing)
Ari: Fabulous baby, Fabulous! (Turning to his wife): Is it me or is her voice getting worse?
Mrs. Ari: Ari!
Ari: Doesn’t mean that I don’t love her but she’s just awful baby!

Virtually zero screentime for Ari this episode. Too bad.

Ari (just heard that he will not be photographed for the Top 40 under 40 list): Someone is gonna pay for the mystic tan!

Dana: Look, I have a little heads up, OK? But it’s for your ears only. Swear you won’t tell anyone.
Ari: Did I tell anyone that your first girl on girl sex wat with someone from (..) in ‘95?
Dana: OK Ari please..
Ari: Spill it! I’ll swallow a cyanide tablet if they capture me.

Ari (answering the phone): You’ve got Gold!

Ari (telling the boys he made the Top 40 under 40): Don’t worry E., when they do a top 40 under 4 feet, BOOM, top of the list. Haha.

E: Do you ever tell the truth Ari?
Ari: I tell the parts that matter.

Ari: You don’t come to Sundance for the snow, you come for the heat.

E: I got us a lunch. 2:50 today.
A: 2:50? 2:50.. come on, everyone know 2:50 is a jerk off meeting. What’s he gonna do? Clear his throat ’till the 3 o’clock comes?

(employee suggests Vince could do a sitcom pilot)
Ari: get the fuck out. (Pauzes) Seriously. Get the fuck out. Don’t even grab a bagle. Next!

E: I’m serious, Vince needs a job!
Ari: Sounds like you might too. But I’ll tell you what, Domino’s is hiring. Why don’t you put that little pizza sign on top of your Maserati. Now that, is comedy.

Ari: Nobody’s happy in this town except for the losers. Look at me, I’m miserable, that’s why I’m rich.

Ari: Amazing you’re still showing up at school like this. Won’t let the nanny do it? Whatever they’re paying you it’s not enough.
Dana: All right, what are you doing here Ari? This is really not a good time.
Ari: OK fine. When is a good time? Tonight, your house? We’ll invite your husband, have a little slideshow, allright?

Ari: I want you to pass this message along to Dana. Tell her that I still have the pictures from Cancun, tell her that I’m gonna start a website. I will take a full page ad out in the L.A. Times advertising it. Tell her it will be called imahollywoodexecutivewhore.com and that no password or fee will be required. Tell her I Want A Fucking Call Back!

Ari: What the fuck are you wearing?
Lloyd: I’m trying out new looks. This one is my Andre 3000. You like?
Ari: No I don’t, you look like Michelle Kwan in drag. Why don’t you do a triple fucking axel over to the phone and try Cameron again.

Variety is like a high school paper. They pay their writers 28 grand a year to find out something to write about the populair kids.

Mrs. Ari (doesn’t want Ari to pick up his phone during couples therapy): I ask for one hour of a day for his undevided attention, and I can’t even have that.
Ari: You could have it if you want to live in Agoura fucking Hills, and go to group therapy. But if you want a Beverly Hills mansion and you want a country club membership, and you want 9 weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, than I’m gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherfucking wednesday.

Ari: Sundance is a great festival for little people. You should kill over there! But for the rest of us normal people, it’s just a chance to fuck a mormon.

Ari: You know the Station Agent, Eric? Monster fucking hit at Sundance. Did you see it? It’s about the midget who lives by the train tracks. Last time I saw him, he was in a FedEx commercial, they were overnighting him to London.

Ari (at the Playboy Mansion): God damn I wish I wasn’t married.

Turtle: They ain’t kicking us out, OK? Vince is a superstar! If it ain’t this, it’s something else!
Ari: MC Hammer could have used a guy like you, Turtle, back in the days.

Vince: Don’t you need to be home with your wife, Ari?
Ari: Noh… I make the god damn rules. (Pauzes) I got ’till 2..

Vince: I wanna hear what the lovely Heffgirls have to say, OK?
Ari: All right, they’re better to look at than to listen too but aight.

(Ari’s trying to sneak out the door)
Mrs. Ari: Where are you going Ari?
Ari: I-i have a meeting…
Mrs. Ari: At the Playboy Mansion??
Ari: You know, Playboy Mansion, strip clubs, whore houses, I go where the meetings are. It’s my fucking job.

E: He doesn’t wanna get typecasted
Ari (pointing out people): Look a.. There’s the Joker, there’s Batman, there’s Spiderman… all typecasted… as rich guys!

(E hasn’t got sex)
Ari: I’d say, hug it out, but I don’t want you drawin’ wood.

(E’s girlfriend has her period)
Vince: He’s not getting it.
Ari: Oh no, you kidding me? You want me to get Lloyd in here and have him harry carry you with his pecker? No. No? I thought the girlfriend was still in play!
Vince: Ah! Bad time of the month to come home!
Ari: Ooh, you’s like me. I won’t even fuck my wife after she plays tennis.

Ari: I got a lunch meeting with Dana Gordon.
E: Well, should I be there?
Ari: No, unless you wanna pull up our car or serve us some sort of crème brulee or something?

Ari: This kid’s got no patience. You know, in some countries they would cut of your elven feet for disrupting the master’s flow.
E: Yeah, I’ll shove my little elven foot up your ass.
Ari: You missed me didn’t you?

Ari: You like the Gaysian Lloyd? He’s cute, right? And he covers two quotas.

(Ari returning from a talk with heartbroken Vince)
Lloyd: How’d it go?
Ari: How’d the fucking Bay of Pigs go, Lloyd?

Ari (shouting drunk, out of Lloyd’s car window): My life is over…
Lloyd: You’ll bounce back, Ari Gold!
Ari: I drove to work in an $80,000 Mercedes, and I’m going home in a prop car from the Fast and the Furious, I just don’t see it…

Ari: That was a good speech, Lloyd. If I was 25 and liked cock, we could be something.

Ari (passing a somewhat older woman that’s jogging): Got Milf?

Mrs. Ari: What’s in the bag?
Ari: A kilo of blow. What’s with all the fucking questions?

(Mrs. Ari suggests that Ari is afraid of Terrence)
Ari: I’ll beat that old fuck and throw him in the pool.
(To his kids:) Only Daddy speaks that way!

Ari: We are gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe and we’re gonna head-butt some goddamn kangaroos.

(Ari mistakes a mail boy for an assistant)
Ari: Well, what is it you’re supposed to know, do you think? What the fuck do we pay you for? To get your agency card laminated so you can go to Shelter and try to fuck Mischa Barton?
Mail boy: I didn’t… I didn’t think…
Ari: Let me tell you something. You don’t have to say anything, you know why? Cause you pick up all your stuff, because you’re mother-fucking fired!

E: Tom Cruise is going to play Pablo Escobar? C’mon, the guy’s not even Hispanic.
Ari: Yeah, and Hilary Swank has a vagina, but she won an Oscar pretending she has a dick. That’s what actors do. They pretend.
E: All right, I got it. So what if Cruise passes?
Ari: Then they go to Brad Pitt. He passes, they go to Keanu Reeves, and on down the list.
E: Where is Vince on that list?
Ari: He ain’t on the list.
E: Well, how do we get him on the list?
Ari Gold: You do “Aquaman,” you stupid fuck!

(Adam Davies reveals himself to be the traitor within Ari’s coup d’état)
Ari (Davies turns away to leave): Hey, Adam.
Adam Davies: Yeah, Ari?
Ari: Just so you know, your girlfriend, when she was in the mailroom, offered to blow me. True story.

Ari: Listen, Lloyd, I want you to put all my files, folders, binders, everything! into a box! If you find a used condom, an executioner’s mask, and a god damn spike paddle, don’t think, just pack that bitch! Chop suey!

Ari: Now, I want you to go to each of these agents - discreetly - and say the words “tse-tse fly”. Say nothing else. Now go.
Lloyd: Ari, are you leaving the agency…
Ari: “Silence” is fucking golden.