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Hot Body

25 Nov

(Ari, Mrs. Gold and Sarah Gold are going to Temple for Yom Kippur)
Sarah: I hate this, I’m starving.
Ari: Now you know what mommy goes trough every day to make a hot body for daddy.

Breathmint

25 Nov

Sarah: Daddy ate a breathmint!
Mrs. Gold: What?
Ari: Now you have to atone for ratting daddy out baby. (to Mrs. Gold): What, you think God wants my breath to smell?

Sick

25 Nov

(Sarah discovers Ari talking business behind the temple)
Sarah: Mom told me to go find you.
Ari: You did! I’m in the bathroom, I’m not feeling well. I’m on my hands and knees, I’m getting very sick right now, honey.
Sarah: You want me to lie?
Ari: That is the beauty of Yom Kippur. As long as you apologize by sundown it doesn’t matter what you do.

No Car, No Money

25 Nov

(Ari and Nicky don’t have a car)
Nicky: Call a cab?
Ari: Got any money?
Nicky: No, Ma took it. You?
Ari: Wife took everything but my fillings.
Nicky: So what now?
Ari: Now, like our desert-dwelling ancestors, we walk.

Neurotic Irishman

25 Nov

Ari: Let’s call E, put the fear of God into a little Irishman. He’s more of a neurotic jew than you are.

Brisket

25 Nov

(Vince and E. come to Ari’s house)
Ari: Ah, will you look at this ah? The boys of Queens are in the market for some brisket!