Ari Gold Quotes

(Dana tells Ari she already is closing on Heath Ledger to do Lost in the Clouds)
Dana: Sorry Ari, but this [the cupcakes] is good!
Ari: Lay off the icing Dana, looks like your hips could use a breather

Ari: Have you seen Vince’s trailer?
Dana: I have, it’s good
Ari: Oh, please! It’s fucking great, gonna be downloaded more times than Britney’s beavershot.

Ari (as he walks towards the elevator): “They got Stephen fucking Gaghan?”

Babs (passes Ari as he goes to see Bob): Don’t spend the whole day reminiscing, Ari.
Ari: Don’t tell me how to do my job, Barbara…

Ari: Jim, listen to me. Just man the fuck up, OK? We got Mary J. coming in today, it’s time to heed the woman’s lyrics; No More Drama!

(Lloyds calls Ari)
Ari: What’s the matter Lloyd? You and Tom like to listen to my voice while you dildo each other?
Lloyd: No, I have Nicky Rubenstein for you.
Ari: OK, tell ‘m you’re on a cruise with your very own king of the world and have him call me direct.
Nicky: Hey Ari
Ari: Nicky Rubenstein! How’s my favorite state home convict?

(The crew meets prince Yair)
Yair: Well, I am here to buy a movie guys, and my pockets, they are deep
Ari: Well Yair, we’re sorry, but we’re here to sell to Americans, so that people can see it in the States, not in the Arab Emirates.

(E has financial doubts on his producership for Medellin)
E: I’m in, I’m in
Ari: Big balls for a little man, I love it. Let’s call Nicky and see if he’s got ‘m as well.

Nicky: Plus, I’m having some financial difficulties
Ari: Like what, the coffee cup holder in your Bugatti is broken?
(…)
Ari: Nicky, trust me, you’ll get other offers.
Nicky: How do you know?
Ari: Same way I knew you’re father was banging his secretary before everyone in town did; instinct!

Dana Gordon: You’re full of shit!
Ari: I was full of shit when I told you I had a condom at Live Aid.

(Turtle thinks Ari can sell the movie for 150 million dollars)
Ari: I like the faith Turtle, but not with Dana not. She made me split the abortion.

(Crew talking about “The Secret” and wishing stuff)
Ari: It doesn’t matter what any of you wish, ’cause you are with the master of universe, and he will deliver a sale of Medellin, not to be believed!

Billy: You know he’s bringing his wife to Cannes?
Vince: No, you bringing you’re wife? It’s supposed to be a boys trip!
Ari: Vinnie, when you get married you realize that a wife is like a herpes source. She comes and goes when and where she pleases.

E: I hated it [the script]. But the guy already commited to do it and I was trying to be postive
Ari: Wow, after 5 years you finally learned to lie. Welcome to Hollywood!

(Ari is giving a flight attentend a hard time on not informing him about the delay)
Flight attentend: Sir this had been an extraordinary day! We’re at code red.
Ari: Please. Come on! We’re at code red everytime the president has a loose stool.

Lloyd: You said that if you’re wife didn’t go to Cannes, that I could.
Ari: When did I say that?
Lloyd: When you said it wasn’t time for me to get promoted yet.
Ari: You know what Lloyd? I’m in the middle of a code red alert. I got military police everywhere, Germand shepherds ready to attack at a moments notice, I’m facing three hour delays and an uncertain, unsafe future. So get off my ass and go get my wife some favorite flowers!

(Vince and his entourage want to board the plane but there is one seat too few)
Ari: Everyone that not has a purpose in Cannes, say I. Turtle, Drama, don’t hold back.

(Lloyd tells Ari he’s going on vacation)
Ari: Listen, have a great time, wear a life vest because the only bobbing you should be doing is on Tom’s cock.

Ari: Call me Helen Keller because I’m a fucking miracle worker!

Ari (being interviewed on Medellin): I always try to steer my clients away from working with unexperienced directors and producers, because why take a chance? Vinnie really wanted to do this movie and there was no stopping him. But then when he wanted to put up his own money I thought that was crazy. ‘Cause look: most movies lose money. It’s my job as a talent representative to make sure that even if a movie loses all of it’s money, my client still sees al of his.

Ari (being interviewed on Medellin): When a director falls for an actor on set, all bets are off. If he doens’t get her, bet you have a problem. When someone else gets her, bet the house.

(Ari talking to his wife about his son not getting into Briar)
Ari: He’s a legacy. Legacies are a sure thing as me having to beg for blowjobs.

Ari (to Vince): I don’t believe it. Normally I have to get Us Weekly to get a look at those pretty eyes. And then I have to look at the wee bottom lower corner of the frame to see the man of this little men’s [Eric] head.
Eric: Little pudgy Ari, you put on a little weight?
Ari: Haha, you wish. 6% body fat. Achieve that when you’re 40 and I give you a 100 grant. (…) (mutters:) Do I look alright Vin?

Ari: So Italy was good? Leave it to E to pick to most romantic spot on earth right after he get’s dumped.
E: Sloan and I have taken a break
Ari: Whatever.

Ari: Nobody wants to put Vince’s face on a poster with the possibility of a looming disaster hanging out there. It’s the Gigli-effect.

Briar Secretary: Well he [Ari's son] did hit a kid with a ruler.
Ari: The kid was trying to steel his Power Ranger, he told us all about it. And I teach my son never to let people just take things from him. It’s my Israeli blood.

Mrs. Ari: So what are we gonna do?
Ari: We’re going to our old buddy doctor Reika, a higher level.
Mrs. Ari: What can he do?
Ari: He is on the board of trustees baby. We didn’t spend all those nights at his queer piano parties for nothing.

Ari: Yes E, I would say being rejected by Cannes before we have a distributor would be a disaster. One in a series of disasters orchestrated by you since you took the reigns of Vincent’s career.
E: So what can we do Ari?
Ari: Well, let’s see. A) I can give you a hug and say it’s OK you destroyed your best friend’s career, or B) I could have you come in here and write on the dry erase board 500 times “I destroyed my best friend’s career, I destroyed my best friend’s career”.

Ari: I think I can sell it [Medillon], and I can sell it for a lot.
E: To who?
Ari: Harvey. He’s been tracking this thing since day one.
E: He hates us.
Ari: He’s a businessman Eric. Not your prom date who still has a grudge on you because you didn’t fuck her right.

Ari: I’m hanging up on you. Let me explain something to you. I have two philosophies: A) My client is always right, and B) his manager is always an overpayed, useless pain in the ass.

(Ari calls Vince about E talking to Ari behind his back)
Ari: You know that your man has broken out of the Oompa-Loompa factory and is up to no good?

E: Can’t you wait for a callback?
Ari: As the French might say.. No I fucking can not!

Lloyd: Ari, you’re wearing the same suit as yesterday?
Ari: That’s because I spent the night in jail
Lloyd: OMG, Ari, why didn’t you call me?
Ari: Because you get one call and I wanted to use it on someone I like to have sex with.

(Lloyd offers to fix E’s ripped shirt)
Ari: Save your homo erotic slave labor for me Lloyd. E, don’t take your shirt off. I don’t want anyone to go blind from the reflections of your translucent boy chest.

Ari: This is not good news. Good news is when the wife agrees to eat box for your birthday. This is great news.

Ari: How is the most fuckable president of productive in town?
Dana: Ari, get the fuck out
Ari: Brought Cristal and sprinklers cupcakes.. Your favorite. Or is it mine? What’s the difference, we used to eat everything off each other anyway.

(Ari meets Josh Weinstein, Heath’s manager)
Ari: There’s a reason why he chose to have some sherpa who was educated at Oxford to show ‘m up the mountain. (..) Look Josh, I don’t mean to tell you your business, but what do you think they were doing in that cave for two weeks? They were using each others asses as handwarmers!

Ari: I parted the red sea for you E., don’t piss on the sand.

(Vince, E and Billy hug after deciding to make Lost in the Clouds - Lloyd just told Ari he and Tom broke up)
Ari: Will you look at that! Love is in the air huh! Is this beautiful or what Lloyd? Come and join us in a group hug, could be a while before you get some!

(Ari visits Lloyd at home)
Ari: Living large Lloyd, looks like I’m paying you too much!

(Ari goes to Tom’s work place)
Ari: You’re Tom? Lloyd’s Tom? (..) I don’t get it. You’re a good looking guy, you could get girls.

E: Just tell us what our options are Ari.
Ari: Well, we could all drink poison gatorade and hope the next life will be better than this one. Come one E, you drink first.

(Ari sees Sarah off to school)
Ari: Later, traitor
Mrs. Ari: ARI!
Ari: I’m kidding, I love you baby
Sarah: I know you do daddy

(Ari asks headmaster Preston if he is behind his son’s rejection at every private school)
Ari: Well, we’re off to see another public school
Preston: Well, that’s not so bad. You know, I’m a product of the public school system!
Ari: Me too! (mutters:) You self rightious, black-balling, little cuntbag (…) asshole fuckface.
Preston: Well.. nice day to both of you!

(Ari visits a public school classroom)
Ari: You gotta be kidding me.
Mrs. Ari: It’s playtime Ari, this is what kids do.
Ari: This is what in-mates do when they’re gonna overtake the guard.

(Ari gets a call from his wife)
Ari: Jesus baby, what’s wrong? You sound worse than when Harry Hamlin got voted off Dancing with the Stars!

Ari: Don’t ask questions Lloyd, not untill you stop dressing like Paula Poundstone.

Preston: I’ve got a son. A special boy. He works at the mailroom at Abraham’s, I think he can do better.
Ari: How special? Because I love special. Halve of my lit department has an IQ under 65.

(E answers the phone in his new office)
E: Eric Murphey!
Ari: Like the new office number E. You know it spells 274-COCK…
E: It does not!
Ari: No it doesn’t but I made you look…

Ari: Well listen, if you want people to call you back may I suggest that you get a fan, with a large bullhorn on the top, drive around Hollywood announcing that after three years of hibernating in Vincent Chase’s ass, Eric Murphey has come out to play-ay!

(Jim has a fight with his brother)
Ari: You know how siblings can be, right?
Jim: Oh, you have a brother?
Ari: I do, and a whore of a sister. So I can relate to the siblings-squablings.

(Twins Jeff and Jim are fighting in the conference room)
Ari: Bring ‘m into my office when this is over and remind me to sell this as a reality show.

(Ari interrogates the twins on what happened)
Jim: He fucked my wife, Ari.
Ari: He did not. You did? You fucked his wife? As you?
Jeff: What?
Ari: Did you pretend to be him or did she actually fuck, thinking you were you? (…)
I’m just… I’m trying to figure out why she did that. I mean, If I was to cheat on my wife it would be with like a busty blonde or an Asian with porny nipples. But an exact fucking replica?

(Lloyd is all exited about Mary J. Blidge’s visit)
Ari: She’s a chick Lloyd, there may be hope for you yet.

Ari (sweeps Jim’s desk): How can one embryo produce two fucking losers?
Jim: Ari, what’s the problem?
Ari: The problems is, you’re a disgusting mutant. Now go reconjoin with your brother on the unemployment line.

(Ari visits his wife on set and tells her he doesn’t want her to kiss Julio)
Mrs Ari: Sara’s best friend’s mom just got raped on Criminal Minds last week
Ari: A) Rape isn’t voluntary and B) It’s prime time!

(Ari sees a picture of Mrs. Ari’s co-star on Defamer.com)
Ari: Lloyd! Who the hell is this?
Lloyd: That’s the underaged student she seduces. It’s Julio. (..)
Ari: Clear my schedule.
Lloyd: Even your lunch?
Ari: I am going to be eating Julio’s lunch today!

Mrs. Ari (talking on the soap opera she was asked to play in): Tell me that it’s exiting, and that if I did it I would be good
Ari: It’s a soap opera baby… there is no good, there’s just degrees of bad.
Mrs. Ari: Well, then tell me that I would be pretty. As pretty as the day I left the show.
Ari: Well you left the show when you were 25 and now they shoot everything in hi-def.

(hanging up the phone)
Mrs. Ari: Well guess who that was?
Ari: Uhm… let me see.. that was.. it was Carr Grosman, and she wants to know if she should have her eyebrows waxed first or she should.

(Ari is waiting for Richard Wimmer outside his shower)
Richard: What the hell is going on?
Ari: Desperate times call for desperate measures here.
Richard: Thank God I’m in a robe.
Ari: And may I comment on what lovely ankles you have.

(E calls Ari)
Ari: Wow, it’s like finding Jim Morrison alive!
E: Yeah, I had no cell all day (..)

Ari: Where the hell is E?
Vince: M.I.A.
Ari: Well, we need him ’cause maybe that neurotic little elf nipping at your heels will make you understand that we are in a major crisis situation here!

Vince: [E]’s not in hiding. He’s at a photoshoot with his new client.
Ari: E’s got a new client?
Vince: Yeah, Anna Ferris
Ari: Come on….
Vince: Yep…
Ari: Jezus the world is falling apart!

(Ari is doing push-ups)
Lloyd: I have Dana Gordon
Ari: Weird, I used to push-up on Dana Gordon like this. True story.
(picks up the phone)
Ari: Dana! I was just thinking of you!