Ari Gold Quotes

Ari: Well listen, if you want people to call you back may I suggest that you get a fan, with a large bullhorn on the top, drive around Hollywood announcing that after three years of hibernating in Vincent Chase’s ass, Eric Murphey has come out to play-ay!

(Jim has a fight with his brother)
Ari: You know how siblings can be, right?
Jim: Oh, you have a brother?
Ari: I do, and a whore of a sister. So I can relate to the siblings-squablings.

(Twins Jeff and Jim are fighting in the conference room)
Ari: Bring ‘m into my office when this is over and remind me to sell this as a reality show.

(Ari interrogates the twins on what happened)
Jim: He fucked my wife, Ari.
Ari: He did not. You did? You fucked his wife? As you?
Jeff: What?
Ari: Did you pretend to be him or did she actually fuck, thinking you were you? (…)
I’m just… I’m trying to figure out why she did that. I mean, If I was to cheat on my wife it would be with like a busty blonde or an Asian with porny nipples. But an exact fucking replica?

(Lloyd is all exited about Mary J. Blidge’s visit)
Ari: She’s a chick Lloyd, there may be hope for you yet.

Ari (sweeps Jim’s desk): How can one embryo produce two fucking losers?
Jim: Ari, what’s the problem?
Ari: The problems is, you’re a disgusting mutant. Now go reconjoin with your brother on the unemployment line.

(Ari visits his wife on set and tells her he doesn’t want her to kiss Julio)
Mrs Ari: Sara’s best friend’s mom just got raped on Criminal Minds last week
Ari: A) Rape isn’t voluntary and B) It’s prime time!

(Ari sees a picture of Mrs. Ari’s co-star on Defamer.com)
Ari: Lloyd! Who the hell is this?
Lloyd: That’s the underaged student she seduces. It’s Julio. (..)
Ari: Clear my schedule.
Lloyd: Even your lunch?
Ari: I am going to be eating Julio’s lunch today!

Mrs. Ari (talking on the soap opera she was asked to play in): Tell me that it’s exiting, and that if I did it I would be good
Ari: It’s a soap opera baby… there is no good, there’s just degrees of bad.
Mrs. Ari: Well, then tell me that I would be pretty. As pretty as the day I left the show.
Ari: Well you left the show when you were 25 and now they shoot everything in hi-def.

(hanging up the phone)
Mrs. Ari: Well guess who that was?
Ari: Uhm… let me see.. that was.. it was Carr Grosman, and she wants to know if she should have her eyebrows waxed first or she should.