Ari Gold Quotes

Ari: It’s all gonna be fine.
E: How?
Ari: Because the Jew has arrived and he doesn’t like Germans!

Ari: My client has performed as fine as in every movie he’s ever done, including a blockbuster for an Oscar winning AMERICAN director.
Werner: Well this is a film about human beings with layers. It’s not about some swimming super hero.
Ari: Well I don’t care if it’s a movie about a dancing cucumber.

Werner: Are you threatening me?
Ari: If you consider me telling you that you will be lucky to get a Der Wienerschnitzel commercial in this country if you don’t go back to work, then yeah, it’s a fucking threat.

Werner: This conversation is over.
Ari: Nothing is over. When I’m done with you it will make the battle of Normandy look like game of fucking paintball.

Ari: Dana, how’s my favorite studio head who I made?
Dana: Ha ha, great. You know two days in our theme park in Sidney is quite a stress reliever.
Ari: Well imagine three children has got tossed off the rollercoaster and then some.

Vince: What’d he say?
Ari: Nothing worth interpreting.

Ari: Half the town is out of a job and you can’t find me one available director?
Lloyd: Kevin Smith isn’t doing anything..
Ari: Are you looking at the DGA list or are you staring out the window at the line of the Sprinkles fucking cupcake store?

Ari: Dana Gordon owes me.
E: So what, you really think she’ll let you replace the director?
Ari: After what I did for her, she would let us double penetrate her if I asked her!

(Vince and E are in the room with Dana, Werner and Ari)
Werner: I do not understand why they are here…
Ari: Because it’s a free country and not Germany circa 1939.

Dana (screaming to Werner): Get your ass back here. I hired you and you have movie to finish for which your getting a lot of money to do, and that is exactly what is going to fucking happen. Do You Understand me?
Ari: I do! … Anyone else turned on right now?

Ari: Jezus Christ, is it too much to ask for a god damn egg in the house?
Sarah: Hah, what’s your problem?
Ari: What’s your problem?
Sarah: Be more immature…
Ari: Listen, if a man can’t have breakfast cooked for him, is it too much to expect a trip to the store so he can could it for himself?
Sarah: Mom cooks us breakfast every morning, you’re always at work.
Ari: Let me get this straight, all women defend each other blindly?

Ari: The problem is, I can’t run my business the way I want to, not with that woman as my partner. You’re mother controls me at home, she controls me at work, where can a man be a man?

Ari: Any word from the wicked whitch from the East Wing?

Babs: Thank you for the flowers, Ari. (pauzes) Was that your idea or Lloyd’s?
Ari: My partner has been named the 33rd most powerful woman in Hollywood and you think I wouldn’t care enough to send flowers? I’m hurt.

Ari: What time is the luncheon by the way, I’d love to show up?
Babs: Eh.. No men allowed.
Ari: So it’s more of a rugmunch and then a luncheon…

Babs: I’m not making any promises.
Ari (in his sweetest voice): Okay, your consideration is all I can ask for..
Babs (somewhat put off): Have a good day Ari.
Ari (out loud): You too, and congrats again Babs! (pauzes) You nasty twat… (Echoing Babs) I can’t make any promises, I can’t make any blahblahblah…

Andrew: Why is everybody looking at me?
Ari: Cause you look good!
Andrew: I feel like a douche.
Lloyd: Andrew, my voice must be heard. You do not look like a douche, you look like a powerful handsome new Miller Gold partner.
Ari: You stick with me Andrew, and that won’t be the last you have for a blow job today.

(Babs wants Andrew to pitch her like she was Julia Roberts, and Andrew chokes)
Ari: Wow, Julia, it’s amazing how much you look like Eric Roberts!

(Ari runs into Babs’ Variety’s Powerful Women luncheon)
Hostess: Sir, you can’t go in there!
Ari: Well, I’m the guest motivational speaker..

Ari (jumps onto the stage of the Variety’s Powerful Women luncheon): Attention everyone, I’d like to make a toast ladies. To Barbara Miller, number 33 on your prestigious list, and you know what, It’s actually amazing to me, that at her advanced age it is the first time she made the list. She probably thought this is never gonna happen. But this little lady is sharp. She went out and she found herself a man to partner up with and look what she was able to accomplish. Huh? It’s gonna be interesting though, once she’s lost that man, too see how she’s going to claw her way back into this banquet room. But anyway, cheers to you Babs, and to all of you out there who have saddled up next to powerful men just so you can stand in our way. But remember this: although you can stand in our way, you will never keep us down. Thank you!

Babs: I want an apology. Now.
Ari: Ladies, I’m sorry, I would love to congratulate each and everyone of you, but unfortunately, Barbara’s cock is all I can handle. Congrats again.

Lloyd: Andrew Klein was once your close friend and mentor, now go reminisce and enjoy yourself, because I’m not cancelling. … Maybe put on a cheaper watch though so he doesn’t feel too bad?
Ari: Run down to Geri’s and get me a stainless Rolex.

Ari: Andy and I were once brothers. A twist of fate turned one of us into gold and one of us into -well- a broke desperate begging for money cock sucker.

Lloyd: What are those?
Ari: His books. Company books. Gave ‘m to me to prove that he can pay me back. (Sighs) What am I doing? You’re Asian, you’re supposed to be good with numbers. Figure out if he has any shot at paying me back, because if he doesn’t, you will!

Ari: You know, Andrew Klein was me when we were younger. We were the same. Rising stars, both made lots of money, both got tons of pussy.
Lloyd: What happened?
Ari: We both married too young.
Lloyd: I meant with work…

Babs: [Andrew Klein] is a loser.
Ari: No he’s not.
Babs: I’m not talking about what he makes Ari, I’m talking about his general essence. We need to protect a certain image. And that wash-out doesn’t exactly fit the bill.
Ari: And what do you project? Menopausal chique?

Ari: What do you got Lloyd? Lloyd? Lloooyd!
Lloyd: Yes Ari.
Ari: What’s wrong, Tom catch you cruise over Glory Holes again?

(Lloyd rants about Ari leaving the company)
Ari: You throw a lot of Jew guilt for a chinaman.

Lloyd: Your clients keep calling Ari, I can’t stall forever.
Ari: Tell ‘m I’ll call ‘m back.
Lloyd: I’m growing cold Ari Gold.
Babs: I got something that will warm him up.
Ari: You cougarlicious little freak.

Babs: Just so you know, I’m paying ten cents on the dollar for your share of this company.
Ari: Any shot you could pay me in euros?
Babs: You, are a fucking asshole.
Ari: How can I leave such a charming man!?

Dana Gordon: Am I your number two or not Ari?
Ari: You’ll always be my number one whore, Dana.

Lloyd: What’s wrong?
Ari: Has so much cum squirt in those eyes you can’t see what’s right in front of your face? Amanda Daniels takes that job, Vince is fucked and I’m fucked. Which means we’re all fucked. And we’re fucked in the way you like to get fucked not fucked in the way normal people like to get fucked.

Amanda: If you wanted this job you would have taken it but we both know you wont because you’ll miss your little clients too much.
Ari: And we both know that you’ve already fucked all of yours, so maybe you can move on to bigger and better.

Ari (to Alan at his funeral): I hate myself for the fact, that even today, I still don’t like you.

Mrs Ari: No business Ari, respect!
Ari: Respect means keeping business alive, even when you’re dead.

Ari (got offered Alan’s job): How would you like to be fucking a studio head baby?

Ari: What do you want?
Dana: I wanna be under you.
Ari: Dana, I told you my wife is in the car.

Lloyd: How was the funeral Ari?
Ari: It was delightful, you kidding, Alan has not looked this good in years.

Babs: Arrriii…
Ari: Babs, what’s the haps?

Babs: [The writers] wanna branch out.
Ari: Haha, to what, the circus?
Babs: Features.
Ari: Oh come on, I met those freaks. If it wasn’t for losers eating bull cock tempura they’d be lucky to produce a decent infomercial.
Babs: They’re coming after lunch, you have minute to say hello?
Ari (to Lloyd): Tell her I’m busy.
Lloyd: He’s got a lot on his plate..