Working Page 6

(E calls Ari about Vince doing the lead in Gus van Sant’s new movie)
Ari: Gus doesn’t think he’s right for it.
E: How do you know?
Ari: Because unlike you, my workday starts before reading page 6.




Bitches

Ari (walks into Johnny Drama’s): This what you call a New York vacation? Where’s the glamour, where’s the bitchesss..?
[Vince introduces Ari to his girlfriend]
Ari: I’m sorry, I was talking about these bitches, not you.




Little McNugget

Vince (got offered a lead in a Martin Scorsese movie): Thank you Ari, thank you.
Ari: You know what? Don’t thank me, thank E. For once in his life the little McNugget delivered. Where is the little freak anyway?




Way Too Gay

(Vince and E reconcile)
Ari (was waiting in the closet): Thank god! This scene was getting way too gay for my taste!




The Jew has arrived

Ari: It’s all gonna be fine.
E: How?
Ari: Because the Jew has arrived and he doesn’t like Germans!




Dancing Cucumber

Ari: My client has performed as fine as in every movie he’s ever done, including a blockbuster for an Oscar winning AMERICAN director.
Werner: Well this is a film about human beings with layers. It’s not about some swimming super hero.
Ari: Well I don’t care if it’s a movie about a dancing cucumber.




Wienerschnitzel Commercial

Werner: Are you threatening me?
Ari: If you consider me telling you that you will be lucky to get a Der Wienerschnitzel commercial in this country if you don’t go back to work, then yeah, it’s a fucking threat.




Paintball

Werner: This conversation is over.
Ari: Nothing is over. When I’m done with you it will make the battle of Normandy look like game of fucking paintball.




Rollercoaster

Ari: Dana, how’s my favorite studio head who I made?
Dana: Ha ha, great. You know two days in our theme park in Sydney is quite a stress reliever.
Ari: Well imagine three children has got tossed off the rollercoaster and then some.




Blowing hack writers

Dana: I will be on the ground in L.A. in 90 minutes.
Ari: In 90 minutes you could be back blowing hack writers just to get on the [??] to get a cup of coffee. Dana. You know, WAKE THE FUCK UP.




Nothing worth interpreting

Vince: What’d he say?
Ari: Nothing worth interpreting.




Kevin Smith

Ari: Half the town is out of a job and you can’t find me one available director?
Lloyd: Kevin Smith isn’t doing anything..
Ari: Are you looking at the DGA list or are you staring out the window at the line of the Sprinkles fucking cupcake store?




Double Penetration

Ari: Dana Gordon owes me.
E: So what, you really think she’ll let you replace the director?
Ari: After what I did for her, she would let us double penetrate her if I asked her!




Germany Ca. 1939

(Vince and E are in the room with Dana, Werner and Ari)
Werner: I do not understand why they are here…
Ari: Because it’s a free country and not Germany circa 1939.




Turned On

Dana (screaming to Werner): Get your ass back here. I hired you and you have movie to finish for which your getting a lot of money to do, and that is exactly what is going to fucking happen. Do You Understand me?
Ari: I do! … Anyone else turned on right now?




Eggs & Defence

Ari: Jezus Christ, is it too much to ask for a god damn egg in the house?
Sarah: Hah, what’s your problem?
Ari: What’s your problem?
Sarah: Be more immature…
Ari: Listen, if a man can’t have breakfast cooked for him, is it too much to expect a trip to the store so he can could it for himself?
Sarah: Mom cooks us breakfast every morning, you’re always at work.
Ari: Let me get this straight, all women defend each other blindly?




Control

Ari: The problem is, I can’t run my business the way I want to, not with that woman as my partner. You’re mother controls me at home, she controls me at work, where can a man be a man?




Whitch

Ari: Any word from the wicked whitch from the East Wing?




Hurt

Babs: Thank you for the flowers, Ari. (pauzes) Was that your idea or Lloyd’s?
Ari: My partner has been named the 33rd most powerful woman in Hollywood and you think I wouldn’t care enough to send flowers? I’m hurt.




Rugmunch

Ari: What time is the luncheon by the way, I’d love to show up?
Babs: Eh.. No men allowed.
Ari: So it’s more of a rugmunch and then a luncheon…




You Nasty Twat

Babs: I’m not making any promises.
Ari (in his sweetest voice): Okay, your consideration is all I can ask for..
Babs (somewhat put off): Have a good day Ari.
Ari (out loud): You too, and congrats again Babs! (pauzes) You nasty twat… (Echoing Babs) I can’t make any promises, I can’t make any room alone- LLOYD!




Blow Job

Andrew: Why is everybody looking at me?
Ari: Cause you look good!
Andrew: I feel like a douche.
Lloyd: Andrew, my voice must be heard. You do not look like a douche, you look like a powerful handsome new Miller Gold partner.
Ari: You stick with me Andrew, and that won’t be the last you have for a blow job today.




Eric Roberts

(Babs wants Andrew to pitch her like she was Julia Roberts, and Andrew chokes)
Ari: Wow, Julia, it’s amazing how much you look like Eric Roberts!




Guest Motivational Speaker

(Ari runs into Babs’ Variety’s Powerful Women luncheon)
Hostess: Sir, you can’t go in there!
Ari: Well, I’m the guest motivational speaker..




Powerful Woman

Ari (jumps onto the stage of the Variety’s Powerful Women luncheon): Attention everyone, I’d like to make a toast ladies. To Barbara Miller, number 33 on your prestigious list, and you know what, It’s actually amazing to me, that at her advanced age it is the first time she made the list. She probably thought this is never gonna happen. But this little lady is sharp. She went out and she found herself a man to partner up with and look what she was able to accomplish. Huh? It’s gonna be interesting though, once she’s lost that man, too see how she’s going to claw her way back into this banquet room. But anyway, cheers to you Babs, and to all of you out there who have saddled up next to powerful men just so you can stand in our way. But remember this: although you can stand in our way, you will never keep us down. Thank you!

Blank




All I can handle

Babs: I want an apology. Now.
Ari: Ladies, I’m sorry, I would love to congratulate each and everyone of you, but unfortunately, Barbara’s cock is all I can handle. Congrats again.




Cheap Watch

Lloyd: Andrew Klein was once your close friend and mentor, now go reminisce and enjoy yourself, because I’m not cancelling. … Maybe put on a cheaper watch though so he doesn’t feel too bad?
Ari: Run down to Geri’s and get me a stainless Rolex.




Cock Sucker

Ari: Andy and I were once brothers. A twist of fate turned one of us into gold and one of us into -well- a broke desperate begging for money cock sucker.




Payback

Lloyd: What are those?
Ari: His books. Company books. Gave ‘m to me to prove that he can pay me back. (Sighs) What am I doing? You’re Asian, you’re supposed to be good with numbers. Figure out if he has any shot at paying me back, because if he doesn’t, you will!




Married Too Young

Ari: You know, Andrew Klein was me when we were younger. We were the same. Rising stars, both made lots of money, both got tons of pussy.
Lloyd: What happened?
Ari: We both married too young.
Lloyd: I meant with work…




Menopausal chique

Babs: [Andrew Klein] is a loser.
Ari: No he’s not.
Babs: I’m not talking about what he makes Ari, I’m talking about his general essence. We need to protect a certain image. And that wash-out doesn’t exactly fit the bill.
Ari: And what do you project? Menopausal chique?




Glory Holes

Ari: What do you got Lloyd? Lloyd? Lloooyd!
Lloyd: Yes Ari.
Ari: What’s wrong, Tom catch you cruise over Glory Holes again?




Jew Guilt

(Lloyd rants about Ari leaving the company)
Ari: You throw a lot of Jew guilt for a chinaman.




Cougar

Lloyd: Your clients keep calling Ari, I can’t stall forever.
Ari: Tell ‘m I’ll call ‘m back.
Lloyd: I’m growing cold Ari Gold.
Babs: I got something that will warm him up.
Ari: You cougarlicious little freak.




Charming Man

Babs: Just so you know, I’m paying ten cents on the dollar for your share of this company.
Ari: Any shot you could pay me in euros?
Babs: You, are a fucking asshole.
Ari: How can I leave such a charming man!?




Number One Whore

Dana Gordon: Am I your number two or not Ari?
Ari: You’ll always be my number one whore, Dana.




Fucked

Lloyd: What’s wrong?
Ari: Has so much cum squirt in those eyes you can’t see what’s right in front of your face? Amanda Daniels takes that job, Vince is fucked and I’m fucked. Which means we’re all fucked. And we’re fucked in the way you like to get fucked not fucked in the way normal people like to get fucked.




Fucked Your Clients

Amanda: If you wanted this job you would have taken it but we both know you wont because you’ll miss your little clients too much.
Ari: And we both know that you’ve already fucked all of yours, so maybe you can move on to bigger and better.




Don’t Like You

Ari (to Alan at his funeral): I hate myself for the fact, that even today, I still don’t like you.




Respect

Mrs Ari: No business Ari, respect!
Ari: Respect means keeping business alive, even when you’re dead.




Studio Head

Ari (got offered Alan’s job): How would you like to be fucking a studio head baby?




Under You

Ari: What do you want?
Dana: I wanna be under you.
Ari: Dana, I told you my wife is in the car.




Looking Good

Lloyd: How was the funeral Ari?
Ari: It was delightful, you kidding, Alan has not looked this good in years.




What’s the Haps

Babs: Arrriii…
Ari: Babs, what’s the haps?




Bull Cock Tempura

Babs: [The writers] wanna branch out.
Ari: Haha, to what, the circus?
Babs: Features.
Ari: Oh come on, I met those freaks. If it wasn’t for losers eating bull cock tempura they’d be lucky to produce a decent infomercial.
Babs: They’re coming after lunch, you have minute to say hello?
Ari (to Lloyd): Tell her I’m busy.
Lloyd: He’s got a lot on his plate..




Cock and Asshole

Lloyd: Are you hiding something from me Ari?
Ari: Only my cock and my asshole Lloyd..




Michael Vic’s Dogs

E: Woow, golf on a wednesday huh Ari? In the next life I wanna come back as you.
Ari: Wish I can return the compliment E, but I’d rather come back as on of Michael Vic’s dogs.




Confident

E: Ah, I’m feeling real confident now Ari…
Ari: Your physical appearance has left you no reason to ever feel confident.




Suck It

E: Good luck Ari!
Ari: Suck it, E.




Whack Balls

Bob: I figured I’d just come and whack a few balls before I come home..
Ari: At your age, the fact that you can whack anything is a miracle.




Die

Bob: Ah… big trouble Ari!
Ari: Could you just die already Bob?




Life is Short

Ari: Alan is dead… The joy of me losing was too much for his angry little heart.
E: So what now?
Ari: Well, now I go home to the family cause I realize life is short. And tomorrow we’re gonna see how alive Vinnie is. Listen, be well!




Benji

(Discussing the Benji in the Arctic script)
Turtle: Is this Benji the dog we’re talking about?
Ari: No, no, it’s Benji Franklin who goes to Arctic, you idiot.




Berry Bonds’ Skull

Ari: It is a G-rated family film. If it’s somehow Babe, we’re great. And if it’s Garfield and it blows up like Berry Bonds’ Skull, we’re finished.




Last Thing to Do

Ari: We could be at Villa tonight.
E: What are you gonna do at Villa?
Ari: The only thing I can do E, find a nice image to whack off to.




None of Your Fucking Business

Ari: I am away on business.
Lloyd: What kind of business do you have on a saturday night??
Ari: I got none of your fucking business.




A Favor to your Asian Ass

Ari: Break your fucking plans, I own your Asian ass.
Lloyd: I thought this was a favor!
Ari: This is a favor, to you, a favor to keep you employed.




Hundred dollars

Jonah: Tell mamma to take me home…
Ari: Buddy.. [searches for words] I’ll give you a hundred dollars if you stay till tomorrow.




Happy to See E

Ari (finds the guys after being lost at Joshua’s Tree): I’ve never been so happy in my life. I’m even happy to see E.




Small

Ari: You said [the movie] was small, and small people think small so I can’t totally blame you for that..




Undersized Bitch

E: Oh boom, now it’s Ed Nortons homerun you jerk off.
Ari: Well, did they sell the script, you cunt face?
E: Not yet, dick head.
Ari: Well than it’s still free you overpaid undersized bitch!




Backdraft

Movie boss: So you think this is a big movie.
Ari: Huge Steve, the fire in this is gonna make Backdraft look like a fucking camp fire, excuse my language.




Miss Alaska

Ari: You bet your ass it will be a good script, and I’m gonna make sure they have Miss Alaska waiting in your trailer to blow you at all times.




Bunch of Idiots

E: [My writers] want 500Gs and a guarantee that the movie get made.
Ari: Sound like a bunch of idiots, perfect clients for you E.




Dopey

E: Hey Ari, I don’t have Steve Pearl’s number.
Ari: You just heard the offer from me, Dopey. What you need a certified letter from him to work over Amanda? Just do it.




Someone Her Own Size

Ari: You looked stressed E, what’s the matter? Amanda playing to rough for you? Because I can call her and tell her pick on someone her own size…




Jack Off

Ari: Good news Lloyd, Vince will have a new movie poster for you to wack off to, soon.




Out of Jail

Ari: One brother getting out of movie jail, one brother just getting outa jail.




Fuck Me

(Mrs. Ari bought Ari a car for their aniversary)
Ari: Fuck Me!
Son: Daddy!
Ari: I’m sorry buddy, I’m sorry buddy but holy shh…




Real Men’s Car

Adam Davies: Wow, nice car Ari!
Ari: Aniversary gift from the wife, thanks Davies.
Adam Davies: Oh, that’s right. I forgot you married into money. Good for you Ari, good for you.
Ari: We only use our money for the small stuff. You know, someday when you’re done sucking on Terrence’s tit you might get yourself a real men’s car like this.




Almost Legal

Ari: How about we race for pink slips? I was thinking about getting that car for my daughter, for her sweet sixteen.
Adam Davies: Daughter is almost sixteen Ari? Two more years and she’s legal.
Ari: Watch it Davies!




Bag of Shit

Lloyd: I’d like to see [Davies] come here and try and collect…
Ari: Well, my confidence grows tenfold knowing that you have my back, but I don’t welch. So, here is a hundred dollars, put in a brown paper back, along with a nice big pile of shit and send it over there.
Lloyd: Excuse me…?
Ari: Human shit, Lloyd.. Right now.
Lloyd: That is really disgusting Ari.
Ari: No, really disgusting is going to be the American Psycho style dismemberment I’m going to perform on you if you don’t do that right fucking now!
Lloyd: What about doggy poop?
Ari: HUMAN shit Lloyd. Yours, if it’s easier. Otherwise, go camp out in the men’s bathroom, or the woman’s bathroom, whichever will have you, but I need a specimen.




WHAT?

Ari (picking up the phone): WHAT?
E: Oh, that’s a nice greeting the Miller Gold Agency’s got going on there, Ari.
Ari: Yeah, well listen, if I knew it was you it would have been a lot worse, What!?




Taste of Amanda

E: Yeah, Amanda liked it.
Ari: Yeah, we all know what great taste she has.




Sperm Sample

E: Vince needs a job, Ari.
Ari: I understand that Eric, but you need to understand that you are the reason he doesn’t have one. Vince needs a studio movie, not an Indie! So don’t waste my fucking time with the possibility that maybe Ed Norton might read or may not read some fucking script that may or may not be good because some half ass agent who couldn’t carry my SPERM SAMPLE likes it. OK?




Make Them Stop

Ari (gets a gay strip surprise, sent by Davies): LLOOOOYDDD! You speak their language, make it stop!
Lloyd: It will be over soon Ari, just close your eyes and think of pussy!




Davies’ Mother

Davies: Hope you’re not calling me for releasing your hard on, Ari.
Ari: I call your mother for that, Davies. I actually wanna talk to you about a little misunderstanding. See, practical jokes are for friends, and we ain’t friends.




Guy Code

Ari: Now, I now you don’t know man code, so I want you to swear on Tom getting gangrene on his cock, that you will say nothing.




The Bigger Man

Ari: A shattered world is what you get when you mess with Ari Gold!
Lloyd: Well, if you ask me, Ari Gold should rise up, and be the bigger man.
Ari: Well, unlike your world, where the bigger man pounds the smaller man from behind, the bigger man in my world is the last man standing. And that man will be me, all right?




Fuck Your Enemies

Ari: Can you smell it Lloyd? You know what that smells like? Defeat! Surrender is imminent.
Lloyd: I feel bad for him now.
Ari: Fuck him. Like the great philosopher Sun tzu said: when you’re done fucking your enemies, fuck ‘m some more.
Lloyd: I took philisofy and Sun tzu did not say that, Ari.
Ari: I’m parafrasing, whatever.




Bitch Slap for a Bitch

Ari: Games are games are games, Davies, but that is the mother of my children. So apologize, or I will kick your ass in front of your entire dead beat agency.
(Slaps Davies in the face): That is what we call a bitch slap. A bitch slap for a bitch.




No dinner

Ari: Remember when you said the car would make me feel 25 again? Well, it made me feel 18 again, and I’m gonna prove it to you.
Mrs. Ari: What about the kids?
Ari: You know what, Sarah take care of your brother. Mommy and daddy have a little conference.
Mrs. Ari: Are you still taking me to dinner?
Ari: it’s doubtful.




The All Out Fall Out

Soon




Turtle’s Cock

Ari: Nine Brave Souls. Don’t know what this is, never heard of these guys.
E: I found that one.
Ari: What, you’re jerking out of Turtle’s cock?




Holocaust

Ari: No Indies E! Think of it as the holocaust, never again!




Air in Chernobyl

Ari: You’re in movie jail.
Vince: Well, how do I get out? What do I have to do?
Ari: You just do what you’ve been doing, you just sit tight, OK? You wait.
Vince: Wait for what?
Ari: For the stenge from Medillon to dissapear.
Vince: How long is that gonna take?
Ari: How long did it take for the air to clean from fucking Chernobyl?




Get Tanned or Tall

E: So what you want us to do? Sit around and do nothing?
Ari: I thought you weren’t gonna talk, but since you are: yes. You should sit around and do nothing, or maybe go to Vinnie’s super secret hideaway in Mexico and come back when you’re tanned. Or tall. Whichever comes first.




Armstrong with Two Balls

Ari: You will come back stronger then ever. Like Lance Armstrong. But with two balls.




The Truth about Charlie

Ari: I never lied to you…
Mark Wahlberg: What about when you told me you liked the truth about Charlie?
Ari: What is the truth about Charlie?




Rusty Cunt Bucket

Ari (golfing): Rusty cunt bucket! FUCK
Mark Wahlberg: I wasn’t laughing…
Ari: FUUUCCKKK!




Try Yellow Pages

E: Because I wanna sell their script, I need an agent to do that.
Ari: Try the Yellow Pages.




UCLA Extension

E: Come on Ari, I’m calling as a friend, all right? I need your help. It’s a really good script, can you help me?
Ari: Yes, I can E. Lloyd! Get the number for UCLA Extension so Eric can take a course of finally learning how the movie business works.




Pull the Plug

Lloyd (wants to get Ari out of a screening): Vince is gonna be here in ten minutes.
Ari: Jezus, I can’t walk out of here ’cause the director’s sitting right behind me.
Lloyd: So what should I do?
Ari (hesitates): Pull the plug on the projector.




I Blame You

(Ari calls E when he hears Vince is coming in, unhappy)
E: You’re calling to apologize?
Ari: I’m calling to tell you that I blame you for every bad thing that’s ever happened to Vince, and every bad thing that ever could happen to him for the rest of his life [takes a cell phone from an employee and smashes it on the floor]. You’re the unfucking lucky charm, you hear me? You should never utter the words “I found a good script”, ’cause you have no idea what a good fucking script looks like. LIVE WITH THAT!




Speedballing fairy dust

Lloyd (panicy): He’s here, he is here, Vince is here!
Ari: What are you, speedballing fairy dust? Go out there and greet him like a man.




Perception of a Movie Star

Vince: One bad movie, and this is what happens? Was I really that awful?
Ari: Straight up Vinnie, movie was awful. And yes, you were awful in it. But you know what? One bad movie can be overwon. Look at Colin Farrel, he’s overcome dozens of ‘m because the perception of him is… he’s a movie star.




Comeback

Ari (to Vince): This town loves a comeback, and since Britney fucked hers up, it’s all you!




Unlike A Virgin quotes

Online tomorrow!




Richard Roeper

Ari: Attention everyone please! Listen up! No one mentions Richard Roeper again. Not today, not ever. By doing so, you are simply announcing that on sunday night instead of doing your job, reading scripts, you’re watching TV. The NEXT PERSON to mention Richard Roeper will be fired. And Lloyd.. you will also be fired if you don’t answer THE FUCKING PHONE!!!




I liked Medellin

Employee: I liked Medellin, Ari.
Ari: Then you’re a fucking idiot.




Free Willy

Ari: Carl my man how are you doing. I saw your trailer last night. Very very scary stuff. Makes Nightmare on Elm Street look like Free Willy.




Beer Cans around his Nuts

Carl: I saw Roeper last night.
Ari: Fuck Richard Roper. You know I went to college with him? Yeah when he was pledging we used to tie beer cans around his nuts and make him walk across campus. I think last night was payback.




Doubling the Murphey Group

E: Well, well, well, long time no hear.
Ari: What, you got B. Arthur answering the phone for you?
E: I’m in a meeting Ari, what do you want.
Ari: Ah yes, the Murphey group doubling in size the past 5 months to two clients.




All About the Money

E: Are they gonna pay him?
Ari: Wow, all about the money these days. Makes me proud and yet a little sad that you’ve lost that prepubescent boyish charm.




You’ll Call?

E: An offer pending a meeting is not a fucking offer Ari.
Ari: How long have you been in this town Opey? An offer pending a meeting (slamming a report on a employees lap) is what you get when you make a shit movie and haven’t been seen this side of the border in six months. We’re living in a post-Medellin world. But amazingly enough, if Vince shows up with all of his limbs intact and doesn’t have some sort of seizure in front of Ertz, we are back in the game, OK. [sarcastic] You’ll call?




Bad piece of pussy

Ari: You two having a little rift huh? Playing the Medellin blame game, let it go like a bad piece of pussy. Just forget that you smelled it and move on. If he passes on this thing now he might as well be Cat Stevens doing butterfly strokes in the caspian sea searching for Mohammed.




You losers wait?

Ari [after Vince left the car for his meeting]: So this is what you losers do all these years, you wait?




Kidney

Ari [answering the phone]: If you need a kidney Adam, I’m not willing to donate, but I am willing to watch you slowly die if you’re looking for that kinda thing.




Yoko

[after Adam's call]
Lloyd: What did he want?
Ari: Fuck you Yoko, get E on the phone.