Ari Gold Quotes

(E calls Ari about Vince doing the lead in Gus van Sant’s new movie)
Ari: Gus doesn’t think he’s right for it.
E: How do you know?
Ari: Because unlike you, my workday starts before reading page 6.

Ari (walks into Johnny Drama’s): This what you call a New York vacation? Where’s the glamour, where’s the bitchesss..?
[Vince introduces Ari to his girlfriend]
Ari: I’m sorry, I was talking about these bitches, not you.

Vince (got offered a lead in a Martin Scorsese movie): Thank you Ari, thank you.
Ari: You know what? Don’t thank me, thank E. For once in his life the little McNugget delivered. Where is the little freak anyway?

(Vince and E reconcile)
Ari (was waiting in the closet): Thank god! This scene was getting way too gay for my taste!

Ari: It’s all gonna be fine.
E: How?
Ari: Because the Jew has arrived and he doesn’t like Germans!

Ari: My client has performed as fine as in every movie he’s ever done, including a blockbuster for an Oscar winning AMERICAN director.
Werner: Well this is a film about human beings with layers. It’s not about some swimming super hero.
Ari: Well I don’t care if it’s a movie about a dancing cucumber.

Werner: Are you threatening me?
Ari: If you consider me telling you that you will be lucky to get a Der Wienerschnitzel commercial in this country if you don’t go back to work, then yeah, it’s a fucking threat.

Werner: This conversation is over.
Ari: Nothing is over. When I’m done with you it will make the battle of Normandy look like game of fucking paintball.

Ari: Dana, how’s my favorite studio head who I made?
Dana: Ha ha, great. You know two days in our theme park in Sydney is quite a stress reliever.
Ari: Well imagine three children has got tossed off the rollercoaster and then some.

Dana: I will be on the ground in L.A. in 90 minutes.
Ari: In 90 minutes you could be back blowing hack writers just to get on the [??] to get a cup of coffee. Dana. You know, WAKE THE FUCK UP.

Vince: What’d he say?
Ari: Nothing worth interpreting.

Ari: Half the town is out of a job and you can’t find me one available director?
Lloyd: Kevin Smith isn’t doing anything..
Ari: Are you looking at the DGA list or are you staring out the window at the line of the Sprinkles fucking cupcake store?

Ari: Dana Gordon owes me.
E: So what, you really think she’ll let you replace the director?
Ari: After what I did for her, she would let us double penetrate her if I asked her!

(Vince and E are in the room with Dana, Werner and Ari)
Werner: I do not understand why they are here…
Ari: Because it’s a free country and not Germany circa 1939.

Dana (screaming to Werner): Get your ass back here. I hired you and you have movie to finish for which your getting a lot of money to do, and that is exactly what is going to fucking happen. Do You Understand me?
Ari: I do! … Anyone else turned on right now?

Ari: Jezus Christ, is it too much to ask for a god damn egg in the house?
Sarah: Hah, what’s your problem?
Ari: What’s your problem?
Sarah: Be more immature…
Ari: Listen, if a man can’t have breakfast cooked for him, is it too much to expect a trip to the store so he can could it for himself?
Sarah: Mom cooks us breakfast every morning, you’re always at work.
Ari: Let me get this straight, all women defend each other blindly?

Ari: The problem is, I can’t run my business the way I want to, not with that woman as my partner. You’re mother controls me at home, she controls me at work, where can a man be a man?

Ari: Any word from the wicked whitch from the East Wing?

Babs: Thank you for the flowers, Ari. (pauzes) Was that your idea or Lloyd’s?
Ari: My partner has been named the 33rd most powerful woman in Hollywood and you think I wouldn’t care enough to send flowers? I’m hurt.

Ari: What time is the luncheon by the way, I’d love to show up?
Babs: Eh.. No men allowed.
Ari: So it’s more of a rugmunch and then a luncheon…

Babs: I’m not making any promises.
Ari (in his sweetest voice): Okay, your consideration is all I can ask for..
Babs (somewhat put off): Have a good day Ari.
Ari (out loud): You too, and congrats again Babs! (pauzes) You nasty twat… (Echoing Babs) I can’t make any promises, I can’t make any room alone- LLOYD!

Andrew: Why is everybody looking at me?
Ari: Cause you look good!
Andrew: I feel like a douche.
Lloyd: Andrew, my voice must be heard. You do not look like a douche, you look like a powerful handsome new Miller Gold partner.
Ari: You stick with me Andrew, and that won’t be the last you have for a blow job today.

(Babs wants Andrew to pitch her like she was Julia Roberts, and Andrew chokes)
Ari: Wow, Julia, it’s amazing how much you look like Eric Roberts!

(Ari runs into Babs’ Variety’s Powerful Women luncheon)
Hostess: Sir, you can’t go in there!
Ari: Well, I’m the guest motivational speaker..

Ari (jumps onto the stage of the Variety’s Powerful Women luncheon): Attention everyone, I’d like to make a toast ladies. To Barbara Miller, number 33 on your prestigious list, and you know what, It’s actually amazing to me, that at her advanced age it is the first time she made the list. She probably thought this is never gonna happen. But this little lady is sharp. She went out and she found herself a man to partner up with and look what she was able to accomplish. Huh? It’s gonna be interesting though, once she’s lost that man, too see how she’s going to claw her way back into this banquet room. But anyway, cheers to you Babs, and to all of you out there who have saddled up next to powerful men just so you can stand in our way. But remember this: although you can stand in our way, you will never keep us down. Thank you!

Babs: I want an apology. Now.
Ari: Ladies, I’m sorry, I would love to congratulate each and everyone of you, but unfortunately, Barbara’s cock is all I can handle. Congrats again.

Lloyd: Andrew Klein was once your close friend and mentor, now go reminisce and enjoy yourself, because I’m not cancelling. … Maybe put on a cheaper watch though so he doesn’t feel too bad?
Ari: Run down to Geri’s and get me a stainless Rolex.

Ari: Andy and I were once brothers. A twist of fate turned one of us into gold and one of us into -well- a broke desperate begging for money cock sucker.

Lloyd: What are those?
Ari: His books. Company books. Gave ‘m to me to prove that he can pay me back. (Sighs) What am I doing? You’re Asian, you’re supposed to be good with numbers. Figure out if he has any shot at paying me back, because if he doesn’t, you will!

Ari: You know, Andrew Klein was me when we were younger. We were the same. Rising stars, both made lots of money, both got tons of pussy.
Lloyd: What happened?
Ari: We both married too young.
Lloyd: I meant with work…

Babs: [Andrew Klein] is a loser.
Ari: No he’s not.
Babs: I’m not talking about what he makes Ari, I’m talking about his general essence. We need to protect a certain image. And that wash-out doesn’t exactly fit the bill.
Ari: And what do you project? Menopausal chique?

Ari: What do you got Lloyd? Lloyd? Lloooyd!
Lloyd: Yes Ari.
Ari: What’s wrong, Tom catch you cruise over Glory Holes again?

(Lloyd rants about Ari leaving the company)
Ari: You throw a lot of Jew guilt for a chinaman.

Lloyd: Your clients keep calling Ari, I can’t stall forever.
Ari: Tell ‘m I’ll call ‘m back.
Lloyd: I’m growing cold Ari Gold.
Babs: I got something that will warm him up.
Ari: You cougarlicious little freak.

Babs: Just so you know, I’m paying ten cents on the dollar for your share of this company.
Ari: Any shot you could pay me in euros?
Babs: You, are a fucking asshole.
Ari: How can I leave such a charming man!?

Dana Gordon: Am I your number two or not Ari?
Ari: You’ll always be my number one whore, Dana.

Lloyd: What’s wrong?
Ari: Has so much cum squirt in those eyes you can’t see what’s right in front of your face? Amanda Daniels takes that job, Vince is fucked and I’m fucked. Which means we’re all fucked. And we’re fucked in the way you like to get fucked not fucked in the way normal people like to get fucked.

Amanda: If you wanted this job you would have taken it but we both know you wont because you’ll miss your little clients too much.
Ari: And we both know that you’ve already fucked all of yours, so maybe you can move on to bigger and better.

Ari (to Alan at his funeral): I hate myself for the fact, that even today, I still don’t like you.

Mrs Ari: No business Ari, respect!
Ari: Respect means keeping business alive, even when you’re dead.

Ari (got offered Alan’s job): How would you like to be fucking a studio head baby?

Ari: What do you want?
Dana: I wanna be under you.
Ari: Dana, I told you my wife is in the car.

Lloyd: How was the funeral Ari?
Ari: It was delightful, you kidding, Alan has not looked this good in years.

Babs: Arrriii…
Ari: Babs, what’s the haps?

Babs: [The writers] wanna branch out.
Ari: Haha, to what, the circus?
Babs: Features.
Ari: Oh come on, I met those freaks. If it wasn’t for losers eating bull cock tempura they’d be lucky to produce a decent infomercial.
Babs: They’re coming after lunch, you have minute to say hello?
Ari (to Lloyd): Tell her I’m busy.
Lloyd: He’s got a lot on his plate..

Lloyd: Are you hiding something from me Ari?
Ari: Only my cock and my asshole Lloyd..

E: Woow, golf on a wednesday huh Ari? In the next life I wanna come back as you.
Ari: Wish I can return the compliment E, but I’d rather come back as on of Michael Vic’s dogs.

E: Ah, I’m feeling real confident now Ari…
Ari: Your physical appearance has left you no reason to ever feel confident.

E: Good luck Ari!
Ari: Suck it, E.

Bob: I figured I’d just come and whack a few balls before I come home..
Ari: At your age, the fact that you can whack anything is a miracle.

Bob: Ah… big trouble Ari!
Ari: Could you just die already Bob?

Ari: Alan is dead… The joy of me losing was too much for his angry little heart.
E: So what now?
Ari: Well, now I go home to the family cause I realize life is short. And tomorrow we’re gonna see how alive Vinnie is. Listen, be well!

(Discussing the Benji in the Arctic script)
Turtle: Is this Benji the dog we’re talking about?
Ari: No, no, it’s Benji Franklin who goes to Arctic, you idiot.

Ari: It is a G-rated family film. If it’s somehow Babe, we’re great. And if it’s Garfield and it blows up like Berry Bonds’ Skull, we’re finished.

Ari: We could be at Villa tonight.
E: What are you gonna do at Villa?
Ari: The only thing I can do E, find a nice image to whack off to.

Ari: I am away on business.
Lloyd: What kind of business do you have on a saturday night??
Ari: I got none of your fucking business.

Ari: Break your fucking plans, I own your Asian ass.
Lloyd: I thought this was a favor!
Ari: This is a favor, to you, a favor to keep you employed.

Jonah: Tell mamma to take me home…
Ari: Buddy.. [searches for words] I’ll give you a hundred dollars if you stay till tomorrow.

Ari (finds the guys after being lost at Joshua’s Tree): I’ve never been so happy in my life. I’m even happy to see E.

Ari: You said [the movie] was small, and small people think small so I can’t totally blame you for that..

E: Oh boom, now it’s Ed Nortons homerun you jerk off.
Ari: Well, did they sell the script, you cunt face?
E: Not yet, dick head.
Ari: Well than it’s still free you overpaid undersized bitch!

Movie boss: So you think this is a big movie.
Ari: Huge Steve, the fire in this is gonna make Backdraft look like a fucking camp fire, excuse my language.

Ari: You bet your ass it will be a good script, and I’m gonna make sure they have Miss Alaska waiting in your trailer to blow you at all times.

E: [My writers] want 500Gs and a guarantee that the movie get made.
Ari: Sound like a bunch of idiots, perfect clients for you E.

E: Hey Ari, I don’t have Steve Pearl’s number.
Ari: You just heard the offer from me, Dopey. What you need a certified letter from him to work over Amanda? Just do it.

Ari: You looked stressed E, what’s the matter? Amanda playing to rough for you? Because I can call her and tell her pick on someone her own size…

Ari: Good news Lloyd, Vince will have a new movie poster for you to wack off to, soon.

Ari: One brother getting out of movie jail, one brother just getting outa jail.

(Mrs. Ari bought Ari a car for their aniversary)
Ari: Fuck Me!
Son: Daddy!
Ari: I’m sorry buddy, I’m sorry buddy but holy shh…

Adam Davies: Wow, nice car Ari!
Ari: Aniversary gift from the wife, thanks Davies.
Adam Davies: Oh, that’s right. I forgot you married into money. Good for you Ari, good for you.
Ari: We only use our money for the small stuff. You know, someday when you’re done sucking on Terrence’s tit you might get yourself a real men’s car like this.

Ari: How about we race for pink slips? I was thinking about getting that car for my daughter, for her sweet sixteen.
Adam Davies: Daughter is almost sixteen Ari? Two more years and she’s legal.
Ari: Watch it Davies!

Lloyd: I’d like to see [Davies] come here and try and collect…
Ari: Well, my confidence grows tenfold knowing that you have my back, but I don’t welch. So, here is a hundred dollars, put in a brown paper back, along with a nice big pile of shit and send it over there.
Lloyd: Excuse me…?
Ari: Human shit, Lloyd.. Right now.
Lloyd: That is really disgusting Ari.
Ari: No, really disgusting is going to be the American Psycho style dismemberment I’m going to perform on you if you don’t do that right fucking now!
Lloyd: What about doggy poop?
Ari: HUMAN shit Lloyd. Yours, if it’s easier. Otherwise, go camp out in the men’s bathroom, or the woman’s bathroom, whichever will have you, but I need a specimen.

Ari (picking up the phone): WHAT?
E: Oh, that’s a nice greeting the Miller Gold Agency’s got going on there, Ari.
Ari: Yeah, well listen, if I knew it was you it would have been a lot worse, What!?

E: Yeah, Amanda liked it.
Ari: Yeah, we all know what great taste she has.

E: Vince needs a job, Ari.
Ari: I understand that Eric, but you need to understand that you are the reason he doesn’t have one. Vince needs a studio movie, not an Indie! So don’t waste my fucking time with the possibility that maybe Ed Norton might read or may not read some fucking script that may or may not be good because some half ass agent who couldn’t carry my SPERM SAMPLE likes it. OK?

Ari (gets a gay strip surprise, sent by Davies): LLOOOOYDDD! You speak their language, make it stop!
Lloyd: It will be over soon Ari, just close your eyes and think of pussy!

Davies: Hope you’re not calling me for releasing your hard on, Ari.
Ari: I call your mother for that, Davies. I actually wanna talk to you about a little misunderstanding. See, practical jokes are for friends, and we ain’t friends.

Ari: Now, I now you don’t know man code, so I want you to swear on Tom getting gangrene on his cock, that you will say nothing.

Ari: A shattered world is what you get when you mess with Ari Gold!
Lloyd: Well, if you ask me, Ari Gold should rise up, and be the bigger man.
Ari: Well, unlike your world, where the bigger man pounds the smaller man from behind, the bigger man in my world is the last man standing. And that man will be me, all right?

Ari: Can you smell it Lloyd? You know what that smells like? Defeat! Surrender is imminent.
Lloyd: I feel bad for him now.
Ari: Fuck him. Like the great philosopher Sun tzu said: when you’re done fucking your enemies, fuck ‘m some more.
Lloyd: I took philisofy and Sun tzu did not say that, Ari.
Ari: I’m parafrasing, whatever.

Ari: Games are games are games, Davies, but that is the mother of my children. So apologize, or I will kick your ass in front of your entire dead beat agency.
(Slaps Davies in the face): That is what we call a bitch slap. A bitch slap for a bitch.

Ari: Remember when you said the car would make me feel 25 again? Well, it made me feel 18 again, and I’m gonna prove it to you.
Mrs. Ari: What about the kids?
Ari: You know what, Sarah take care of your brother. Mommy and daddy have a little conference.
Mrs. Ari: Are you still taking me to dinner?
Ari: it’s doubtful.

Soon

Ari: Nine Brave Souls. Don’t know what this is, never heard of these guys.
E: I found that one.
Ari: What, you’re jerking out of Turtle’s cock?

Ari: No Indies E! Think of it as the holocaust, never again!

Ari: You’re in movie jail.
Vince: Well, how do I get out? What do I have to do?
Ari: You just do what you’ve been doing, you just sit tight, OK? You wait.
Vince: Wait for what?
Ari: For the stenge from Medillon to dissapear.
Vince: How long is that gonna take?
Ari: How long did it take for the air to clean from fucking Chernobyl?

E: So what you want us to do? Sit around and do nothing?
Ari: I thought you weren’t gonna talk, but since you are: yes. You should sit around and do nothing, or maybe go to Vinnie’s super secret hideaway in Mexico and come back when you’re tanned. Or tall. Whichever comes first.

Ari: You will come back stronger then ever. Like Lance Armstrong. But with two balls.

Ari: I never lied to you…
Mark Wahlberg: What about when you told me you liked the truth about Charlie?
Ari: What is the truth about Charlie?

Ari (golfing): Rusty cunt bucket! FUCK
Mark Wahlberg: I wasn’t laughing…
Ari: FUUUCCKKK!

E: Because I wanna sell their script, I need an agent to do that.
Ari: Try the Yellow Pages.

E: Come on Ari, I’m calling as a friend, all right? I need your help. It’s a really good script, can you help me?
Ari: Yes, I can E. Lloyd! Get the number for UCLA Extension so Eric can take a course of finally learning how the movie business works.

Lloyd (wants to get Ari out of a screening): Vince is gonna be here in ten minutes.
Ari: Jezus, I can’t walk out of here ’cause the director’s sitting right behind me.
Lloyd: So what should I do?
Ari (hesitates): Pull the plug on the projector.

(Ari calls E when he hears Vince is coming in, unhappy)
E: You’re calling to apologize?
Ari: I’m calling to tell you that I blame you for every bad thing that’s ever happened to Vince, and every bad thing that ever could happen to him for the rest of his life [takes a cell phone from an employee and smashes it on the floor]. You’re the unfucking lucky charm, you hear me? You should never utter the words “I found a good script”, ’cause you have no idea what a good fucking script looks like. LIVE WITH THAT!

Lloyd (panicy): He’s here, he is here, Vince is here!
Ari: What are you, speedballing fairy dust? Go out there and greet him like a man.

Vince: One bad movie, and this is what happens? Was I really that awful?
Ari: Straight up Vinnie, movie was awful. And yes, you were awful in it. But you know what? One bad movie can be overwon. Look at Colin Farrel, he’s overcome dozens of ‘m because the perception of him is… he’s a movie star.

Ari (to Vince): This town loves a comeback, and since Britney fucked hers up, it’s all you!

Online tomorrow!

Ari: Attention everyone please! Listen up! No one mentions Richard Roeper again. Not today, not ever. By doing so, you are simply announcing that on sunday night instead of doing your job, reading scripts, you’re watching TV. The NEXT PERSON to mention Richard Roeper will be fired. And Lloyd.. you will also be fired if you don’t answer THE FUCKING PHONE!!!

Employee: I liked Medellin, Ari.
Ari: Then you’re a fucking idiot.

Ari: Carl my man how are you doing. I saw your trailer last night. Very very scary stuff. Makes Nightmare on Elm Street look like Free Willy.

Carl: I saw Roeper last night.
Ari: Fuck Richard Roper. You know I went to college with him? Yeah when he was pledging we used to tie beer cans around his nuts and make him walk across campus. I think last night was payback.

E: Well, well, well, long time no hear.
Ari: What, you got B. Arthur answering the phone for you?
E: I’m in a meeting Ari, what do you want.
Ari: Ah yes, the Murphey group doubling in size the past 5 months to two clients.

E: Are they gonna pay him?
Ari: Wow, all about the money these days. Makes me proud and yet a little sad that you’ve lost that prepubescent boyish charm.

E: An offer pending a meeting is not a fucking offer Ari.
Ari: How long have you been in this town Opey? An offer pending a meeting (slamming a report on a employees lap) is what you get when you make a shit movie and haven’t been seen this side of the border in six months. We’re living in a post-Medellin world. But amazingly enough, if Vince shows up with all of his limbs intact and doesn’t have some sort of seizure in front of Ertz, we are back in the game, OK. [sarcastic] You’ll call?

Ari: You two having a little rift huh? Playing the Medellin blame game, let it go like a bad piece of pussy. Just forget that you smelled it and move on. If he passes on this thing now he might as well be Cat Stevens doing butterfly strokes in the caspian sea searching for Mohammed.

Ari [after Vince left the car for his meeting]: So this is what you losers do all these years, you wait?

Ari [answering the phone]: If you need a kidney Adam, I’m not willing to donate, but I am willing to watch you slowly die if you’re looking for that kinda thing.

[after Adam's call]
Lloyd: What did he want?
Ari: Fuck you Yoko, get E on the phone.