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Fuck Me

23 Sep

(Mrs. Ari bought Ari a car for their aniversary)
Ari: Fuck Me!
Son: Daddy!
Ari: I’m sorry buddy, I’m sorry buddy but holy shh…

Real Men’s Car

23 Sep

Adam Davies: Wow, nice car Ari!
Ari: Aniversary gift from the wife, thanks Davies.
Adam Davies: Oh, that’s right. I forgot you married into money. Good for you Ari, good for you.
Ari: We only use our money for the small stuff. You know, someday when you’re done sucking on Terrence’s tit you might get yourself a real men’s car like this.

Almost Legal

23 Sep

Ari: How about we race for pink slips? I was thinking about getting that car for my daughter, for her sweet sixteen.
Adam Davies: Daughter is almost sixteen Ari? Two more years and she’s legal.
Ari: Watch it Davies!

Bag of Shit

23 Sep

Lloyd: I’d like to see [Davies] come here and try and collect…
Ari: Well, my confidence grows tenfold knowing that you have my back, but I don’t welch. So, here is a hundred dollars, put in a brown paper back, along with a nice big pile of shit and send it over there.
Lloyd: Excuse me…?
Ari: Human shit, Lloyd.. Right now.
Lloyd: That is really disgusting Ari.
Ari: No, really disgusting is going to be the American Psycho style dismemberment I’m going to perform on you if you don’t do that right fucking now!
Lloyd: What about doggy poop?
Ari: HUMAN shit Lloyd. Yours, if it’s easier. Otherwise, go camp out in the men’s bathroom, or the woman’s bathroom, whichever will have you, but I need a specimen.

WHAT?

23 Sep

Ari (picking up the phone): WHAT?
E: Oh, that’s a nice greeting the Miller Gold Agency’s got going on there, Ari.
Ari: Yeah, well listen, if I knew it was you it would have been a lot worse, What!?

Taste of Amanda

23 Sep

E: Yeah, Amanda liked it.
Ari: Yeah, we all know what great taste she has.

Sperm Sample

23 Sep

E: Vince needs a job, Ari.
Ari: I understand that Eric, but you need to understand that you are the reason he doesn’t have one. Vince needs a studio movie, not an Indie! So don’t waste my fucking time with the possibility that maybe Ed Norton might read or may not read some fucking script that may or may not be good because some half ass agent who couldn’t carry my SPERM SAMPLE likes it. OK?

Make Them Stop

23 Sep

Ari (gets a gay strip surprise, sent by Davies): LLOOOOYDDD! You speak their language, make it stop!
Lloyd: It will be over soon Ari, just close your eyes and think of pussy!

Davies’ Mother

23 Sep

Davies: Hope you’re not calling me for releasing your hard on, Ari.
Ari: I call your mother for that, Davies. I actually wanna talk to you about a little misunderstanding. See, practical jokes are for friends, and we ain’t friends.

Guy Code

23 Sep

Ari: Now, I now you don’t know man code, so I want you to swear on Tom getting gangrene on his cock, that you will say nothing.