Ari Gold Quotes

(Ari walks into yet another assistant)
Jake: Hi Mr. Gold. I’m Jake Steinberg, HR sent me up to replace your last assistant.
Ari: I don’t care. Get me Eddy Kapowski on the phone.
Jake: Uhm, any relation to Kelly Kapowski? You know, Saved by the Bell?
Ari: You’re finished. Go. You’re fucking fired.

Ari: Have you ever heard of a fucking prenup?
Terrence: Oh, you have one?
Ari: I’d kill my wife before I got a divorce.

Terrence: Do you have an offer?
Ari (draws something): I do!
Terrence: What’s this?
Ari: It’s a vagina! What does it look like?

Ari (in bed): Baby, I woke up with wood.
Mrs. Ari: And why is that my problem?
Ari: Just take care of me.
Mrs. Ari: How about you take care of me?
Ari: Ah, come on. I have to work all day, I don’t wanna work now.
(Phone rings, Mrs. Ari leaves)
Ari: I need at least a blow job.
Mrs. Ari: Blow yourself.

Ari: Die, die, die Lloyd! And when you’re gagging on Davies’ balls I want you to bite down, so he can die too!

Craig: Hi mister Gold! I’m Craig. HR sent me down here to fill in for Lloyd.
Ari: Great.
Craig: Yeah, I really look forward to helping you out. Uh.. Do you know when he’ll be back?
Ari: You want the truth?
Craig: Sure.
Ari: He won’t. I killed him. I shot him and I buried him beneath my desk. Any more questions?
Craig: No.
Ari: Good. Now get out of here before I kill you too.

(Lloyd is ready to change Ari’s keyboard cord under his desk)
Ari: Wait ’till I’m out of the office before you get on your knees.

Ari: Where are the bottles?
Lloyd: You said you wanted to be more green.
Ari: That was because Leo was in earshot.

Ari: Lunch?
Andrew: Great!
Ari (to Lloyd): Slave! Call the Grill and tell them we’re on our way.

Ari: Now take a good look at [Andrew]. Alright. Now what do you see in him, that you don’t see in yourself?
Lloyd: I don’t know…
Ari: A purpose. Now call your mother and tell her you don’t have one.