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Kobe Bryant

13 Sep

Ari (to Christina Aguilera): If you give me an Emmy winning performance I will have Kobe Bryant sing at your birthday.

Speak

13 Sep

Mrs Ari: Don’t talk to my sister like that.
Ari: I don’t wanna speak to her at all.

Looking

13 Sep

Mrs. Ari: I feel like everyone’s looking at me. I don’t even wanna be here.
Ari: You’re here because of your son and no one is looking at you except for that Seagul kid’s dad who always looks at you because he wants to bang you.

You’re a Whore

30 Aug

Ari (to Amanda): You’re sorry? You’re sorry for what? You’re sorry for leaking slanderous out of context nonsense about me huh? And then rifling through all my hard work to steal my football team? Fuck you, ok? Fuck you. And now hold on a second. I’d never hit a woman in my entire life but I swear to God in my mind right now I am pummeling your smug face to a pulp for everything you did to me, my career and my family. But not to worry all right. Because I will prevail, because I’m a winner and you’re a whore with more cleavage than talent. And I will not stop untill I destroy you.

Die

30 Aug

(Amanda keeps calling)
Ari: I don’t want to speak to her.
Jake: Should I tell her that?
Ari: Tell her I want her to die!

Twins

30 Aug

Richard Branson (walks in on Ari’s family night with two hot blondes): I’m in family mode too, so…
Ari: Yes. Well played sir. I love your family.
Mrs. Ari: ARI!
Ari: Honey, he has twins. How rare is that?

Annoying

30 Aug

Ari: Jonah, next time boy’s night out. These girls are annoying.

Carrier Pigeons

30 Aug

Ari (on family night): I’m here, I’m present, I’m suffering. No phone, Blackberries or carrier pigeons.

Fucking clock

24 Aug

Therepist: I’m sorry, we’ll have to stop soon. Ari, can you respond to this request?
Ari: No, who could.. and fuck you with your fucking clock!

Voice

24 Aug

Therapist: It’s nice to see that you find your voice.
Ari: When did she not had her voice?