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Sitcom Actors and Circus Freaks

2 Aug

Ari: I think your eye is growing cataract because as you see by the day’s event anyone she wants or has, be it a sitcom actor or a circus freak, I’m going after.

Straight Lizzie

2 Aug

Ari (to Amanda): Please don’t tell me you’re the one who picked up the straight Lizzie from the harsh gutter of life.

Cook a Dog

2 Aug

Lloyd (looking at the dog): Isn’t he delicious?
Ari: Find something else to cook for dinner. Jessica is taking him.

No Friends with John Mayer

2 Aug

Ari (to Andrew Sorkin): I’m now on Facebook because of you. I’ve got 600 friends. (Looks at Jessica Simpson): And John Mayer is not one of them.

Sexual Napalm

2 Aug

[Jessica Simpson is coming in]
Ari (to Andrew Sorkin): She looks great and she’s single. You know what John Mayer said about her. Sexual napalm. You love the smell of napalm in the morning. Smells like victory.

Evil Pussy

2 Aug

Ari: You know [Lizzie] fucked Andrew? That’s what caused this whole spiral. It wasn’t the drugs, it was her evil pussy that lured him in.

Coke Fiend Sex Addict

2 Aug

Ari: No [Andrew]’s not coming back. He’s a coke fiend sex addict who wrote checks out of this company’s account to buy hookers. So no, he will never work here again.

Bite his Ear Off

2 Aug

Mike Tyson: I wanna do like the black Brady Bunch. I’m trying to rehab my image. I want to spend some of that worldly wisdom that I picked up on my journey in life.
Ari: And then if Bobby doesn’t listen to you, you bite his ear off.

Intimidation Factor

2 Aug

[Mike Tyson is explaining how he needs a new job, something 9 to 5]
Ari: You’re talking about something in sales? Because I think the intimidation factor could work in your favor. Or it could be a liability.

Who I Am

2 Aug

Ari: JAKE! You’re about to witness what made me who I am today.